So...

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What?

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In other news, I've been rather moody lately, and I've been putting pretty high demands on people. I think I know why.

In the simplest terms, people, I'm lonely.

Ugh, gag. Sounds pathetic, huh? Well, it feels pathetic. I hate this. I end up making myself look stupid and desperate and many other very unattractive things. It's not the person I want to be. What really sucks is that I see it happening, and I can't stop the course.

So if I've jumped to conclusions or placed undue demands on you, I apologize. (Treasure it. I hate to apologize.) It seems like all of the people I end up relying on for certain things all move away.

That's one of the things I treasure in Greg the most these days: he really is the one constant in my life, and you should all thank him for taking the brunt of this. It really makes me more bearable to the rest of you, trust me.

I've been thinking a lot lately about my friendships. I'm not an easy person to BE friends with, I know. I wish I could label for you what it is I am looking for, or what quality I need out of my friendships. I don't know.

Believe me, though, the older I get, the more difficult it seems to be to make friends, and I'm at a point in my life that I do need to make friends.

I don't know what else to say on that right now. Just, I'm lonely.

The Law of Motion

I haven't been as productive in general as I'd like.

I think that I am lonelier than I realize, and I'm slightly worried that a curse could come true. Being lonely isn't the same as being alone, of course, but lonely isn't fun.

I find myself at an odd situation in my life. At the age of 35, where do I go to make new friends? Especially since I never have money to spare to go out with. As a child, I didn't make friends easily, and believe me, it does not get easier as you get older.

Another obstacle is that I'm fairly specific on what it is I want. Most of my friendships have been of the intense variety, and I must confess I prefer it that way. Most people my age don't have the time for the intensity I so desperately miss. In one's thirties, if you're going to invest a lot of energy into a relationship, they want it to be THE relationship, and I don't need that. I have that.

I just need the rest. Kinda' funny that the part everyone else finds so easy is the difficult part for me, and the part that everyone finds so difficult is the part I've had for years.

I guess this is why I have these little white pills. To carry me through it.

Commitment

Wow... No post in 3 days?  I was doing so much better earlier this week.  I have been at work, of course.  I work 10 hour days, 4 days a week, no lunch break or anything, so when I get home I am a bit tired.  Still, I wanted to make an effort to write more often than that.

The other thing is that I was off of my meds for a couple of days.  I curse each and every one of those white pills that crosses my lips, but I really am quite unbearably moody without them.  Ask Greg or Michael.  They know, as do some of you, I'm sure.

Most of what the damn things do is help me to let go of things that wouldn't/shouldn't bother me for as long as they do.  Without them, things that shouldn't be a big deal bother me until they ARE a big deal.  With them, I can let things slide off my back much easier.  The fact that I do rely on them for that is something that I hate.  It makes me feel so broken sometimes, when I think about it.

I try not to think about it, but when you're in the middle of a bout without them, that gets difficult.