The Law of Motion

I haven't been as productive in general as I'd like.

I think that I am lonelier than I realize, and I'm slightly worried that a curse could come true. Being lonely isn't the same as being alone, of course, but lonely isn't fun.

I find myself at an odd situation in my life. At the age of 35, where do I go to make new friends? Especially since I never have money to spare to go out with. As a child, I didn't make friends easily, and believe me, it does not get easier as you get older.

Another obstacle is that I'm fairly specific on what it is I want. Most of my friendships have been of the intense variety, and I must confess I prefer it that way. Most people my age don't have the time for the intensity I so desperately miss. In one's thirties, if you're going to invest a lot of energy into a relationship, they want it to be THE relationship, and I don't need that. I have that.

I just need the rest. Kinda' funny that the part everyone else finds so easy is the difficult part for me, and the part that everyone finds so difficult is the part I've had for years.

I guess this is why I have these little white pills. To carry me through it.

Man's Best Friend

 

Greggie loves his Schmendrick...

and Schmendrick loves his Greggie.

"Who's the best moose ever?"

Foul Language, Huh?

When did need become a four-letter word?

What's so awful about it?  We're all human.  We all do it.  In orphanages in Germany after World War II, babies who didn't have their emotional needs filled died, even though they had everything their bodies required.  It's biology, tied to psychology, tied to spirituality.

So much desperation, and all we can do is despise anyone who needs as much as we do.  Sometimes I wish I could turn it off, and leave the human race for a while.  God knows I'm not winning anyway.

Melodramatic?  Maybe.  But you know what?

Fuck you.

Fuck you all.

People and Places and Photos

Today I had lunch with my brother (the straight one) and my sister and her husband.  My aunt and my step mother were also there.

I like my step mother a lot, but we have such a different history with my father than she did.  Even my aunt doesn't share all of the same stories and memories as we do.  While I like being with them all, I wish my other brother had been there, and I wish it were just the four of us "kids," and maybe our partners.

Mostly we talked about what's going on in our lives now.  Craig's new job, what it's like living in Imperial, Greg's latest theatre enterprise.

It wasn't what I expected, but then is anything, really?

After lunch, we went to Dad's grave site.  On one side it has my mother's markings, and on the other my Dad's.  While it's good to have them both close to each other, it can't be easy for my step mother, who goes there quite often.

I probably won't go to my Dad's grave for quite some time.  I don't like graves.  Not because of issues dealing  with loss, or because of creepy ghost stories.  Mostly because I think they're a waste of space.  I don't need a plot of land to remember my mother and father.  I have my pictures, and I have my memories.

This is a picture of the house I grew up in.  I don't need that either, really.

What I need are my family and my friends.  (Is there really a difference between the two?  The older I get, the less I think so.)

So call me.  We'll do lunch.

And we'll take a picture.  I want to remember you, as you are today.  No excuses about your hair or your weight or the stain on your t-shirt.

Just let me take a picture.  I want to remember  you.

Damn Hippies...

I want to like Devendra Banhart.

I really do.

But I'm just not sure...

Commitment

Wow... No post in 3 days?  I was doing so much better earlier this week.  I have been at work, of course.  I work 10 hour days, 4 days a week, no lunch break or anything, so when I get home I am a bit tired.  Still, I wanted to make an effort to write more often than that.

The other thing is that I was off of my meds for a couple of days.  I curse each and every one of those white pills that crosses my lips, but I really am quite unbearably moody without them.  Ask Greg or Michael.  They know, as do some of you, I'm sure.

Most of what the damn things do is help me to let go of things that wouldn't/shouldn't bother me for as long as they do.  Without them, things that shouldn't be a big deal bother me until they ARE a big deal.  With them, I can let things slide off my back much easier.  The fact that I do rely on them for that is something that I hate.  It makes me feel so broken sometimes, when I think about it.

I try not to think about it, but when you're in the middle of a bout without them, that gets difficult.

Terminator: The Sarah Connor Chronicles, Season One

Greg and I just finished Season One of Terminator:  The Sarah Connor Chronicles.

This show has some really cool stuff going on!  I'll try not to throw out any spoilers, of course.

First off, Summer Glau as Cameron is fantastic!  She's such a pretty girl (and I don't say that often!)  She pulls off the whole deadpan "Terminator" speak so well!  It's also so difficult to tell what's going on with that character.  Some of the things she says are either heartwarming in that she wants to understand humanity so much, or chilling in that she's learning that much on how to "blend in."  I'm never sure if I want to hug her or if I should be afraid of her!

From past installments in the storyline, we know that the T100 (Arnold's character) developed rudimentary emotions by the end of the second movie. (The Terminator: "I know now why you cry, but it is something I can never do.")  There's something touching about Cameron trying to teach herself ballet.  I liked that scene a lot.

Brian Austin Green's character is also quite interesting.  First off, that boy has a BODY!  And tattoos are HOT, in my book, anyway.  On one hand, he's John's uncle, so there's a big desire to trust him just on those credentials.  On the other, he's been through a lot in the war with the machines.  He's been known to lie in the series, as well.  The scene where he takes John to the park to see young Derek and Kyle playing baseball is an awesome scene.  It broke my heart when John handed Kyle his ball back!

Now, in general, this series seems to create a lot of paradoxes, but it always has.  John learns about the machines from experiences as a child messing with the T100 and with Cameron.  He is working to avoid the whole thing from happening at all, however, if it doesn't happen, then his father never went back in time, and he was never born.  The machines never existed to go back in time, so there would be nothing for him to learn so much with!  This shit could really make my head spin!

So... yeah.  This is what I've been doing with my time since we're out of Doctor Who and Torchwood episodes to watch for a while.  Mo and I were watching Farscape together for a while, but since he's seeing someone, he doesn't come and visit as much as he used to.  I guess that's good for Mo and all, but I am in serious sci fi deprivation, here!

Anyone else have any series that they can recommend?  Any you wanna get together and watch with me?  I'm not much for Lost, but there's a series called The Dollhouse coming out from Joss Whedon that looks really good!

Comments welcome, as always.

Pretty please?

Okay, I'm a paranoid freak.

Could y'all comment in here somewhere so I know you're finding it okay?

It would mean a lot to me.

Thanks.

The Way We Were

Just thinking about who we are, who we were, and where we came from.

I found some old pictures, and decided to put the scanner we inherited to good use. Included were some pictures of my family before my brothers were born, some shots of all of my cousins and my sister and I one Christmas, and a couple of shots of my best friend from childhood.

I've bee thinking a lot about things from back then lately.  Ever since my father died, actually.  We had it pretty good, for the most part.  We had a good, emotionally healthy family, and good supportive neighbors and friends.  We didn't have that much money - less and less as time went on, actually, but we didn't know that at the time.  Not really, at least.

This is a picture of me and Christina, my best friend growing up.  We were inseparable as kids.  I have a long history of intense friendships, you see.

Oh, and as a kid, I loved that shirt.  I guess I never did have much taste.  I was so upset when it didn't fit anymore.  One day it just vanished.  I'm sure my mom had something to do with it, of course.

I was horrible to my father from about the time I hit puberty through about my early twenties.  That poor man couldn't even breathe right as far as I was concerned at that age.  It was less about him than it was about me.  I had a lot of things to work out back then.  Hell, who am I kidding?  I have a lot to work out even now. 

I was a pretty cute kid, though.

I'm A Dork...

Have I mentioned that I'm a dork?

Probably not, since this is the first time I've posted here...  You have to start somewhere, though, right?

I've had a LiveJournal for years, but they're getting silly with ads and paid accounts and random Russian people subscribing to things.  It's not what it used to be.  The advantage of LJ used to be that there was a social component that wasn't available in many other blogging software and sites.  With networking sites like Myspace and Facebook taking the place of such things, LJ has kinda' lost its edge.  Icons?  Please... I can upload small pics to Picasaweb and use them just the same way, and THOSE are unlimited.  So I've decided to try this for a while.

And for my first post, I've decided to show you the laptop bag I made out of duct tape.  It's dorky as all hell, but I'm quite proud of it!  It started as a blue Shop N Save bag or two, which I used for basic shape.  I saw some instructions that said to use shapes cut out of cardboard, but I didn't want anything that firm.  I wanted it to move, more like fabric, and this bag does just that.

Now that I've gotten a first version of it done, though, I may decide to do another one, a bit more tailored to my laptop.  I'm thinking camouflage with black accents... kuz I'm butch that way.