Thursday, September 06, 2018
Dichotomy - My Dad Was A Great Guy
Everyone liked my Dad. Everyone. He was a quiet guy, but he genuinely treated everyone like they were a good, close friend. Even animals of every sort could tell my Dad was trustworthy, loyal, and an all-around good man. I could tell you so many stories about him. How he married my mom and adopted me before I was only about a year old. About how he never treated me as anything other than his son, despite three other kids of his own blood. About how he was just as much in love with my mother the day she died after 25 years of marriage as the day they met. He loved her, truly, and they treated each other very well. It has set quite a high bar for me and my brothers and sister for our own relationships.
Occasionally, though, a story pops up about my Dad's "wilder days." Stories that, as a gay man, really upset me on a level that I don't think most people understand, especially my cousins, who are all straight.
I remember hearing stories from when I was maybe 12 or in my early teens, and a trip to Kansas City. I think it was for the college graduation of one of my cousins. I wasn't there, so I don't know all of it. I've heard it from a couple of sources, so I think the majority of it is true. I'm sure a lot of alcohol was involved. It usually is with my Dad's family.
My Dad, who was by all accounts straight, decided to cut in to a couple dancing-- and dance with the man. To pick a fight. In one of the accounts, it was known that the man was gay and with his boyfriend in the bar. He did it where his whole family could see, where he knew he'd have "backup" should it come down to it. In fact, I got the very clear impression he wanted it to come down to needing "backup."
I remember my sister laughing at the story. How funny, Dad danced with some fag. Oh, the looks on everyone's faces!
Except I remember being deeply ashamed of him for that. I still am. It sticks with me, and dregs up the shadows of older stories I barely remember hearing from Dad's days as a Marine. Stories of Dad walking up to "some fag" after a few beers and punching him, unprovoked.
Now don't get me wrong, my Dad was not an alcoholic. There are plenty of alcoholics in my Dad's family. Some I knew were alcoholic as a child, some I found out only recently. My Dad was not one of them. In fact, I can barely remember my Dad ever being drunk. He was a social drinker, mostly with his family, full of brothers and sisters and nieces and nephews and spouses and honorary family members, simply tons of people. He never drank at home. We didn't even keep beer or wine in the house. He didn't go to the bar after work.
But my Dad was a great guy. Everyone loved "Ducky."
I really can't complain. At the age of 26, I brought to Christmas dinner the man I have spent the last 20 years of my life with. The man I married 2 years ago when it finally became legal. Dad welcomed him with open arms. In the hospital before going in to surgery to have half a lung removed due to cancer, Dad asked if my then-boyfriend would mind calling him "Dad."
So obviously he got over it. He raised three sons, two of whom grew up to be gay, and he never treated us differently after he found out. Hell, if he'd have survived, I have no doubt that he would have walked me down the aisle at my wedding. He loved me. He loved my husband.
I often wonder when, exactly, it DID change. Was I a source of concern for him when I wanted girl's toys for Christmas instead of a soccer ball or army men? I'm sure I was, but how much did it bother him? I still got what I asked for, my parents encouraged us in whatever we wanted to try without hesitation or question.
Why then, when I was in my early teens and it had to be quite obvious to him what I was, even if it wasn't obvious to me what was different about me, did he try to pick a fight with a guy by dancing with him?
How, then, do I reconcile this dichotomy?
Monday, September 03, 2018
Intent To Update
This is just a quick note saying that I intend to update this blog for a little while. I've been playing around with the idea of getting away from Facebook and other social media, since they seem to be unfulfilling and ultimately more trouble than they are worth.
I've been playing around with sites like Mastodon instances (a FOSS Twitter clone,) and Pixelfed (FOSS Instagram, still in development.) They are both limited, in their ways. Pixelfed, obviously only does pictures, and this is great in that it gives a reason/motivation for creativity. I've even heard of open source blogging platforms, but none of them seem to be ready for reliable use.
All of which, of course, brings me back to Google. Blogger, of course, started out on it's own but is now part of Google. It hasn't gotten too much attention, but I think mostly that's because it's fine on its own, as it is. It was never intended to be a Facebook type of social media site. It's a place to post one's writings, and maybe other works.
This is also a bit of a test to see where else this updates to. I've had a history of trying to tie various websites together. So if this shows up on Google Plus or Facebook or goodness knows where else, well better to know that now, right?
I've been playing around with sites like Mastodon instances (a FOSS Twitter clone,) and Pixelfed (FOSS Instagram, still in development.) They are both limited, in their ways. Pixelfed, obviously only does pictures, and this is great in that it gives a reason/motivation for creativity. I've even heard of open source blogging platforms, but none of them seem to be ready for reliable use.
All of which, of course, brings me back to Google. Blogger, of course, started out on it's own but is now part of Google. It hasn't gotten too much attention, but I think mostly that's because it's fine on its own, as it is. It was never intended to be a Facebook type of social media site. It's a place to post one's writings, and maybe other works.
This is also a bit of a test to see where else this updates to. I've had a history of trying to tie various websites together. So if this shows up on Google Plus or Facebook or goodness knows where else, well better to know that now, right?
Tuesday, October 04, 2016
Collecting Heroes
I've been collecting heroes lately. Not Superman or Batman or X-Men or anything. Real people who out out content online and who I have met in various ways. Here are a few.
Adam Bornstein is a short-ish, cute, married guy with a wife and kid he obviously loves to pieces. He has a heart of gold from all of the content he's put out that I've found.
He co-published a book with John Romaniello that I have read which has a lot of good information. The accompanying program, however, is a little more intense than I was able to handle. I also tried it without much support and I freaked the hell out when I messed up even the slightest bit.
I still keep track of Adam's articles and posts on various social media. He very much believes that you can get into shape and still have a piece of cake once in awhile.
John "Roman" Romaniello, his co-author, tends to be quite different. Roman keeps his personal life to himself for the most part. He's an amazing man who is straight enough to have a wife and stepson, but seems to have fairly gay sensibilities elsewhere. He very much believes you can live an extraordinary life. Where Adam exudes heart, Roman exudes confidence.
What puts Roman over the top for me is that despite his self-professed "Hero Complex," he occasionally struggles with bouts of clinical depression. His description of what depression feels like to him so exactly mirror my own feelings that his article brought me to tears. I keep ahold of it and read it when things are particularly bad. It helps to know that someone else is out there who really knows what it feels like. His recommendations on what to do to dig your way out are some of the best I have ever heard anywhere.
I have actually applied - and been accepted - into an online coaching program by Roman, but for several reasons have decided not to pursue at this time. I have no words for the shock, the amazement, and the pride at seeing Roman's words saying that he was sure - SURE! - that he could get me to reach my goals. I applied thinking somewhere in the deep corners of my brain that I would be rejected, that he would say "shit, man, I just don't know that you can do this. You've got too much working against you." He didn't though. He said I was an easy win, and I will never be able to express how much pride and confidence I draw from that one simple phrase from one of my heroes.
Mike Vacanti. Oh my GOD, this guy should trip every one of my warning triggers! What an entitled little white frat bro with perfect genes and a fake smile and creepy-perfect hair! Surely this kid has had everything handed to him on a silver platter, including broad shoulders and a perfect metabolism. One of Roman's disciples.
The thing is, he's none of those things. Sure, he has this weird obsession with Chik-Fil-A and Chipotle, neither of which I'm crazy about for various reasons. He posts shirtless posts on Snapchat to show his progress, but it's not a "hey, look at how awesome I look" kinda' thing. It's a "here's my journey, this kinda' comes with the territory" kinda' thing.
His energy is infectious, his smile could melt anyone, and he is so genuine when he says he wants to help people, to pass along information. I cannot fathom how this young man is single. Surely he could land just about any girl (or guy, who knows) he wants. Not ready, perhaps. He's still young, still out to change the world. He publishes an app just because he couldn't find a good one out there that tracked macros, and he gives it away for free when everyone else sells that shit. Daily social media, near-daily YouTube videos, articles. The boy never stops, and I love him for it.
I have at least two more that I want to write about. Hell, I want to write about these amazing men a little more, too. I may have to write another post going into what these guys mean to me, not just in my pursuit to get into shape, but also as men.
You're going to find that improving myself as a man and finding mentors and role models who meet those goals is very important to me right now. It's not that there aren't a lot of amazing women out there. It's just that subtly in my childhood I was given the impression that being male was undesirable, that women were superior, smarter, more elegant, more balanced. Men were hairy and smelly and stupid and less. Shallow and base and ugly. I don't think it was an impression fed to me on purpose, but it was received none-the-less. I am 43 years old, and for the first time I can say that these men, these athletes, are among my heroes.
He co-published a book with John Romaniello that I have read which has a lot of good information. The accompanying program, however, is a little more intense than I was able to handle. I also tried it without much support and I freaked the hell out when I messed up even the slightest bit.
I still keep track of Adam's articles and posts on various social media. He very much believes that you can get into shape and still have a piece of cake once in awhile.
What puts Roman over the top for me is that despite his self-professed "Hero Complex," he occasionally struggles with bouts of clinical depression. His description of what depression feels like to him so exactly mirror my own feelings that his article brought me to tears. I keep ahold of it and read it when things are particularly bad. It helps to know that someone else is out there who really knows what it feels like. His recommendations on what to do to dig your way out are some of the best I have ever heard anywhere.
I have actually applied - and been accepted - into an online coaching program by Roman, but for several reasons have decided not to pursue at this time. I have no words for the shock, the amazement, and the pride at seeing Roman's words saying that he was sure - SURE! - that he could get me to reach my goals. I applied thinking somewhere in the deep corners of my brain that I would be rejected, that he would say "shit, man, I just don't know that you can do this. You've got too much working against you." He didn't though. He said I was an easy win, and I will never be able to express how much pride and confidence I draw from that one simple phrase from one of my heroes.
The thing is, he's none of those things. Sure, he has this weird obsession with Chik-Fil-A and Chipotle, neither of which I'm crazy about for various reasons. He posts shirtless posts on Snapchat to show his progress, but it's not a "hey, look at how awesome I look" kinda' thing. It's a "here's my journey, this kinda' comes with the territory" kinda' thing.
His energy is infectious, his smile could melt anyone, and he is so genuine when he says he wants to help people, to pass along information. I cannot fathom how this young man is single. Surely he could land just about any girl (or guy, who knows) he wants. Not ready, perhaps. He's still young, still out to change the world. He publishes an app just because he couldn't find a good one out there that tracked macros, and he gives it away for free when everyone else sells that shit. Daily social media, near-daily YouTube videos, articles. The boy never stops, and I love him for it.
I have at least two more that I want to write about. Hell, I want to write about these amazing men a little more, too. I may have to write another post going into what these guys mean to me, not just in my pursuit to get into shape, but also as men.
You're going to find that improving myself as a man and finding mentors and role models who meet those goals is very important to me right now. It's not that there aren't a lot of amazing women out there. It's just that subtly in my childhood I was given the impression that being male was undesirable, that women were superior, smarter, more elegant, more balanced. Men were hairy and smelly and stupid and less. Shallow and base and ugly. I don't think it was an impression fed to me on purpose, but it was received none-the-less. I am 43 years old, and for the first time I can say that these men, these athletes, are among my heroes.
Monday, October 03, 2016
Sunday, October 21, 2012
Weekend Wrap Up
Well, at my latest doctor's appointment, my doctor agreed that I probably suffer from Seasonal Affective Disorder, annoyingly acronymed "Sad." Yes. I haz a sad. He's upped my meds for the winter. My eventual hope is that I can get off of them entirely once spring hits, but we'll see how that goes. I hate that pill, but I know things are worse when I'm off of it.
I'm also seriously considering having a Christmas party. There is, of course, a FUCKTON of work to be done here at the house before that can happen, and since Christmas Traditions is starting up soon, Greg won't be able to help with it too much. That's okay, though, because I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I will make it happen myself, somehow.
I did a little stuff today, not as much as I should have, I guess, but you gotta start somewhere. I cleaned up some of the trash out of the spare room, and moved a big-ass tv into the front room upstairs only to find out it doesn't have the connections I wanted.
The Sunday Night Blues weren't as bad as they could have been, I guess. I haven't planned out my week as good as I could have, I guess. Tomorrow I'm going to try to clean up my room upstairs and the bedroom, and maybe even get a little done in the bathroom and the spare room so we can rent it out again soon. Greg should be home tomorrow night, too, so we'll probably watch another episode of "Teen Wolf" season two. So many pretty boys in that show. I'm also kinda' fascinated with plots lately.
I've been speaking to Angela about writing, and I want to write more, but plot seems to be my big downfall. I specifically want to try my hand at science fiction, but most science fiction goes for larger-than-life plots, and I'm not very good at those. We spoke about fan fic, and came up with the suggestion of doing a rewrite of another story with different characters. Solves the plot problem, and lets me still try my hand at writing. Now all I have to do is chose the story to retell.
I'm also seriously considering having a Christmas party. There is, of course, a FUCKTON of work to be done here at the house before that can happen, and since Christmas Traditions is starting up soon, Greg won't be able to help with it too much. That's okay, though, because I'm taking responsibility for my own happiness, and I will make it happen myself, somehow.
I did a little stuff today, not as much as I should have, I guess, but you gotta start somewhere. I cleaned up some of the trash out of the spare room, and moved a big-ass tv into the front room upstairs only to find out it doesn't have the connections I wanted.
I've been speaking to Angela about writing, and I want to write more, but plot seems to be my big downfall. I specifically want to try my hand at science fiction, but most science fiction goes for larger-than-life plots, and I'm not very good at those. We spoke about fan fic, and came up with the suggestion of doing a rewrite of another story with different characters. Solves the plot problem, and lets me still try my hand at writing. Now all I have to do is chose the story to retell.
Friday, October 19, 2012
Ever notice how much I tend to write in blogs in the fall? Being depressed makes me talkative, apparently.
Greg is at his first performance of "A Raisin In The Sun" at the Ivory Theatre with Unity, so I ran out here to check out a coffee shop called "Shameless Grounds." I think it's supposed to be a kinky coffee shop, and I'm pretty sure my Barista is a ftm transexual... and kinda cute, too.
One of my latest endeavors has been to find a "Sir." As in a leather Sir. Having had a taste of what it could be like with Sir Mike Lunter, I think it would be good for me. i have chatted with a few Sirs online, one of whom I have pissed off, one of whom doesn't really interest me, and a third whom i am actually interested in meeting. I tend to piss people off lately, or they tend to piss me off. Whatever. It's been difficult to make friends who are as eager to meet and make friends as I am.
Shawn tried to put me in a chastity device, but... well, suffice it to say I took it off. It was very uncomfortable. He's been trying to help keep me motivated, but I'm leery of it somehow. I think that deep down I am afraid he is trying to be the "Sir" I think I need, and I know he can't be. I appreciate his efforts, though.
My doc did up my antidepressants, though. I am hoping that this will help give me a bit of a jump-start. We're also down a roommate, so money tight and that never helps my mood, but it does mean that there is plenty of work to do around the house. Unfortunately it doesn't really sound like much fun to do.
This post is just going to ramble, I think. Diarrhea of thought. I want to write more, and Angela has given me some ideas on that. I also wouldn't mind learning more about the hard and software of Android phones, but I haven't had much luck there. I hard bricked my Samsung Vitality. So sad... As always, I should be working out more, and I should be going to yoga classes. I don't know why I resist going to yoga classes as I do when I enjoy them so much and they make me feel so much better. Self destructive tendencies, I guess. I need more money, and I'm trying to figure out where to get it. Shawn thinks I should start dog sitting and dog walking for people, and a dog training class doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Photography has always been a back-burner interest, too. Sci fi is usually fun, and I'm listening to an audio book of "Stranger In A Strange Land," which is oddly progressive and oddly sexist and old-fashioned at the same time. Not sure I grok it. *grin*
So... yeah. I need a plan to do something. ANYTHING. Anything at all that I would like.
Greg is at his first performance of "A Raisin In The Sun" at the Ivory Theatre with Unity, so I ran out here to check out a coffee shop called "Shameless Grounds." I think it's supposed to be a kinky coffee shop, and I'm pretty sure my Barista is a ftm transexual... and kinda cute, too.
One of my latest endeavors has been to find a "Sir." As in a leather Sir. Having had a taste of what it could be like with Sir Mike Lunter, I think it would be good for me. i have chatted with a few Sirs online, one of whom I have pissed off, one of whom doesn't really interest me, and a third whom i am actually interested in meeting. I tend to piss people off lately, or they tend to piss me off. Whatever. It's been difficult to make friends who are as eager to meet and make friends as I am.
Shawn tried to put me in a chastity device, but... well, suffice it to say I took it off. It was very uncomfortable. He's been trying to help keep me motivated, but I'm leery of it somehow. I think that deep down I am afraid he is trying to be the "Sir" I think I need, and I know he can't be. I appreciate his efforts, though.
My doc did up my antidepressants, though. I am hoping that this will help give me a bit of a jump-start. We're also down a roommate, so money tight and that never helps my mood, but it does mean that there is plenty of work to do around the house. Unfortunately it doesn't really sound like much fun to do.
This post is just going to ramble, I think. Diarrhea of thought. I want to write more, and Angela has given me some ideas on that. I also wouldn't mind learning more about the hard and software of Android phones, but I haven't had much luck there. I hard bricked my Samsung Vitality. So sad... As always, I should be working out more, and I should be going to yoga classes. I don't know why I resist going to yoga classes as I do when I enjoy them so much and they make me feel so much better. Self destructive tendencies, I guess. I need more money, and I'm trying to figure out where to get it. Shawn thinks I should start dog sitting and dog walking for people, and a dog training class doesn't sound like such a bad idea. Photography has always been a back-burner interest, too. Sci fi is usually fun, and I'm listening to an audio book of "Stranger In A Strange Land," which is oddly progressive and oddly sexist and old-fashioned at the same time. Not sure I grok it. *grin*
So... yeah. I need a plan to do something. ANYTHING. Anything at all that I would like.
Thursday, October 11, 2012
Sunday, June 14, 2009
Ho Hum - Typical Sunay Night
Not much going on today. I tried to clean up the house a bit, but anyone who's ever been over to my place knows what a futile thing that is. Other than that, our new roommate took us to Cici's Pizza. A free meal is always welcome, and I love their buffalo chicken pizza. This evening I didn't do much other than do some much-needed updates to Marble Stage's database. It's information I'm going to need for the party I am organizing.
I hate Sunday nights. I always say this, but it's always true. I'm just not willing to give up on my weekend. At least this week I have my birthday to look forward to. Which reminds me: A belated happy birthday to Nicki, and an early happy birthday to Crispy. I believe there are some other birthdays coming up, but I'm forgetting them at the moment. I'm sure it will come up sometime.
I've also got "True Blood" to look forward to this week. It's actually shown at this point, but I don't have that channel anymore, so I'll have to obtain a copy through alternative means. Thanks to my friend Anita, I've read the second book in the series, so I know a bit about what's going to go on, but they don't stick 100% to the books, so there will be plenty of surprises for me. I may pick up the third book in the series. I'm not sure yet. I'm actually in the mood for something "Dresden," but since I've read all of that, it would mean backtracking or getting the graphic novels, and I haven't priced those yet. I've got some "Farscape" comics to catch up on as well, and quite frankly, I've been in the mood for a good ol' HOMOSEXUAL novel. Now, if I could have the best of BOTH worlds - a GOOD sci fi novel with gay themes - I think I'd probably faint. GAY GEEKS UNITE!!!! (Okay, I'm done.)
I've also got a friend in Seattle who has mentioned having me come and visit, but there are many things to be arranged in something like that, and as you probably know, dear reader, I am not much of a traveler. Still, it could be nice.
Anyway, that's a brief update. Sort of.
Yeah.
I hate Sunday nights. I always say this, but it's always true. I'm just not willing to give up on my weekend. At least this week I have my birthday to look forward to. Which reminds me: A belated happy birthday to Nicki, and an early happy birthday to Crispy. I believe there are some other birthdays coming up, but I'm forgetting them at the moment. I'm sure it will come up sometime.
I've also got "True Blood" to look forward to this week. It's actually shown at this point, but I don't have that channel anymore, so I'll have to obtain a copy through alternative means. Thanks to my friend Anita, I've read the second book in the series, so I know a bit about what's going to go on, but they don't stick 100% to the books, so there will be plenty of surprises for me. I may pick up the third book in the series. I'm not sure yet. I'm actually in the mood for something "Dresden," but since I've read all of that, it would mean backtracking or getting the graphic novels, and I haven't priced those yet. I've got some "Farscape" comics to catch up on as well, and quite frankly, I've been in the mood for a good ol' HOMOSEXUAL novel. Now, if I could have the best of BOTH worlds - a GOOD sci fi novel with gay themes - I think I'd probably faint. GAY GEEKS UNITE!!!! (Okay, I'm done.)
I've also got a friend in Seattle who has mentioned having me come and visit, but there are many things to be arranged in something like that, and as you probably know, dear reader, I am not much of a traveler. Still, it could be nice.
Anyway, that's a brief update. Sort of.
Yeah.
Saturday, June 13, 2009
Star Trek
It may very well be that I'm the last person on Earth to have seen the latest "Star Trek" movie.
So why didn't someone warn me it would SUCK?!?!?
What sucks most is that it would have been a good movie if it hadn't been a "Star Trek" movie. The effects and sets were true enough to the old series yet modern enough to be impressive. The characters were good, though I didn't think they were very true to the original characters. Spock was way too emotional, Uhura was way too slutty, and Kirk was never that cool. I've heard that McCoy was the worst, but of everyone, I enjoyed him the most. Chekov and Sulu were okay, but McCoy was definitely my favorite. I thought he was the one who stayed most true to the original series.
The major problem I had with the movie, though, was that they completely departed from the original series - ALL OF THEM. Spock's mother appears in "Next Generation," not to mention the whole planet of Vulcan. They've gone and nullified three series and every other movie that was made, and I think that's so disrespectful of all of the people who worked on those stories and series and movies.
When a series has been going on as long as "Star Trek" has, you just don't do stuff like that.
I'm not a big fan of the old series, but I really found this movie insulting to all of that.
There's my two cents.
So why didn't someone warn me it would SUCK?!?!?
The major problem I had with the movie, though, was that they completely departed from the original series - ALL OF THEM. Spock's mother appears in "Next Generation," not to mention the whole planet of Vulcan. They've gone and nullified three series and every other movie that was made, and I think that's so disrespectful of all of the people who worked on those stories and series and movies.
When a series has been going on as long as "Star Trek" has, you just don't do stuff like that.
I'm not a big fan of the old series, but I really found this movie insulting to all of that.
There's my two cents.
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